Word Count: 2734
Genre: angst, smut
Disclaimer: Characters not mine.
Summary: Jiyong's and Seunghyun's relationship has its flaws.
A/N Okay, so I haven't posted anything in a couple of months due to my write's block and now I'm posting a fic I actually wrote two months ago. It's GTOP with drunk Ji which seems to be my favorite subject. The beginning is actually written ages ago as a drabble that I then decided to continue into a full one-shot, hopefully it make sense. All grammar mistakes are mine.
Your eyes are following me through the club, I know, whenever I glace at you you’re looking my way.
But tonight, I want to dance. Dance it away.
I’ll find you by the end of the night anyways. I always do. I’ll be there, in your lap and I want to feel you and you furrow your brows like you’d be uncomfortable, but I know you aren’t. I can feel you enjoying it. You’re just trying to hide that you like it.
“Hyung…” I decide I want to kiss you and I do. I want to feel everything, see everything, and hear everything. I want to tease you ‘till you finally give in. I need you to give in. Throw your damn composure out the window and just let your emotions lead. We should be drunk enough for that.
“Jiyong.” You sigh and I groan in frustration and glide down beside you because every time you sigh you don’t wanna do it. That kind of sigh.
I can feel you looking at me still. I don’t look your way but your hand comes up to my chin to caress it, just gently touching my cheek and then you pull it away.
I don’t respond, instead I turn slowly and give you a look, my eyes feeling slightly droopy from the alcohol. Then I reach over to my drink on the table and gulp it down in one go. I know you’re watching my Adam’s apple bopping as I do so, because you love my neck. And I’m damn well going to take advantage of that.
I put the drink down again and groan loudly as I lie on the couch. The music is throbbing in my ears and I can feel the beat flow down my body. My hand reaches to my chest and I let it roam over it. Soon it starts wandering south, following the throbbing of the bass shaking my body and it feels good. I sigh again, feeling it. The bass. And somehow my hand is between my legs now but I don’t care.
Oh but now, now I suddenly feel someone else’s hand, and I realize it’s you, you take my hand in a firm grip and when I turn my head to look at you irritated I only see two black pools and furrowed browns and I startle. And then you’re kissing me. And you replace my hand with yours.
I gasp whenever you give me a chance to grasp for air, and I shamelessly let out a moan at your touch because it’s fucking dirty what you’re doing, rejecting me and then making me crazy like this.
Then you lower your head to my ear and I can hear you whisper.
“Stop acting like a whore.”
And then your hand is gone, and you rise up and walk away. I realize you weren’t that drunk after all, I guess you had a higher tolerance than me.
The bass is still low and the throbbing has stopped at my lower half where it desperately still longs for your touch. I curse under my breath. Because of my tight pants and you being an asshole.
Only I can play this game. You’re not supposed to humiliate me like that. Fucking asshole. I’m not normally like this, only when it’s you.
My lift my head to seek you out from the crowd and I see you standing at the bar, talking to someone. It’s a woman. A fucking woman.
You want to play this game? I stand up and I lock my eyes on you.
Okay then. We’ll both play this game. You say I’m a whore. Then I’m going to be one. And I’ll make you come crawling back because you love it. Love me.
You ever dare humiliate me. I’m going to make you regret it.
I make my way to the dance floor again, where people dance tightly against each other and the music is blasting loudly. I sneak in and close my eyes, concentrating on the music and beginning to sway my hips to it, recalling that bass throbbing in my ears and it became almost unbearable, the sound. I just wanted it out, out with all the anxiety and chaotic thoughts running in my head.
It isn’t long before I feel someone close in on me, dancing with me, trying to find the same rhythm as I have, and I turn around and it is a woman with long black hair and black eyes, and I think why not. I let her rub in on me and I even let my hand slide on her waist.
I lean in to her ear and inhale her scent. It wasn’t really fulfilling. I only remembered how you smelled like, and it wasn’t like this. This person was nobody.
I make my way to the bathroom of the club and once there lean in on the counter. I look up to see myself in the stained mirror and the face looking back was thin and pale. Maybe it was the light. Maybe it was the stress. Maybe I hadn’t eaten enough these past few days. Anyways, I look awful. This is why I hate mirrors when I’m wasted.
While I’m weakly trying to clean myself up there’s a guy that walks into the room. He comes and stands beside me, he too fixing his hair and straitening his clothes. I glance at him through the mirror and he happens to catch it, and smiles back at me. He’s cute.
I hear him say something to me, but I can’t seem to concentrate on it. I see him moving closer and I don’t think about ‘till I can suddenly smell this weird cologne he’s wearing and I back away quickly. “Don’t fucking try”, I say hastily but quite clearly getting my point across.
He doesn’t have time to say anything before door goes off again and I groan thinking I gotta get out of here. When I turn around though, I stop abruptly.
Seunghyun is standing by the door, looking surprised at seeing me here and then furrowing his brows at the scene in front of him. Then his eyes stop on the other man. The other smiles politely - “Ah, I was just on my way” - and sneaks out past Seunghyun.
Now we’re alone. Seunghyun looks irritated. It’s me who’s supposed to be irritated, the one offended here.
“You disappeared”, he says. I raise an eyebrow questionably.
“You were supposed to stay on the couch. I was gonna return and take you home.”
I grit my teeth at his words. They sounds awfully degrading don’t they, especially when he says them like he was talking to a kid. He thinks he can just say whatever to me. He thinks he can somehow blame me. I close the distance between us and look him in the eyes, although he’s standing right next to the ceiling light and it stings in my eyes.
I can hear the rumble from the club outside, but the room is otherwise oddly quiet. For the first time I can now hear my own breathing and my heartbeat which is beating more loudly than I want it to.
Seunghyun looks at me. He has that look in his eyes like he’s suspecting me of something.
“Who was that man?” His low voice suddenly speaks to my ear. “Just somebody.” Nobody. I glace up at him again and his eyes are dark, he doesn’t look happy, and it gives me odd satisfaction. Nothing happened but he thinks something happened, probably because of me. I raise my hands to his hips and glance at him from under my lashes. “Does it bother you?”
Seunghyun doesn’t react. I press a bit closer. There’s still that throbbing, that throbbing he left which can’t be satisfied by some woman on the dance floor or man who wears cheap cologne to try to impress. Because Seunghyun would never do that. He doesn’t need anything. He only needs me. And I need him now. Even when he’s an asshole, I have to have him, when he pushes me away I want to cling to him more, tell him he’s mine.
I’ll just have to wait. He always surrenders in the end.
“Does it bother that you walked away?” I shift my hand from his hip to his groin, gently palming him there and I wish he would respond. I miss his touch.
But he doesn’t. He grabs my hand and pulls it away.
“Didn’t I tell you to stop?”
He lets go of my hand and steps back. “I’m going home.”
He always surrenders in the end.
When I don’t respond he just scoffs and turns around. “Fine” he says and walks out the door and leaves me alone in the bathroom. And then suddenly there are other people starting to stream in so I walk out too, only to find him really gone. Since I can’t find him anywhere. He’s gone.
I continue with a few drinks and return to the dance floor, but soon it starts to taste bitter, the alcohol and the feeling of other people pressing against you. And the strobe lights give me a headache. I stumble outside, and shiver in the cold night air. How did he think I was supposed to get home anyway? Fuck.
Then I hear a familiar voice behind me and turn around to see my driver stand there. He must’ve waited for me. “Seunghyun-sshi told me to wait for you here and get you home.”
That man can never really abandon others can he? I feel bad, thinking if I’d been the one storming out I would’ve just left them there. Left them to fucking find their own way home and not giving a shit. That’s what people like me do when they’re angry and drunk.
Who’s mad at their lover and still calls in a driver to wait for them outside to drive them home?
This realization makes my stomach turn. He never stops caring about me even when all I do is cause him pain, and what do I give in return? I’m so selfish.
“Sir? Are we going to your house?”
“No,“ I manage to say without slurring. “Drive me to Seunghyun’s place.”
I have the keys to his place; have had for a long time now. So I let myself in into the familiar apartment, which is dark. But I hardly believe he’d gone to bed already. For more reasons than one.
I walk into the living room and flinch back, seeing the figure of someone sitting there on his couch, silently.
“Seunghyun?” My voice seems so small in this too silent apartment.
It is Seunghyun. He sights, and reaches for the table and I realize he had a wine glass in his hand. Then I notice the open bottle on the table. It’s almost empty.
“Did you drink that just now?”
He doesn’t say anything, but I know I’m right. He’s the type of person to drain his worries in a bottle rather than speaking about them.
I walk over to him and sit down (a bit wobblingly) on the floor in front of him. “Should we put some lights on?”
I’ll just go away. I make a move to rise up but his hand comes suddenly to grip my shoulder and I turn to him surprised. And then I feel his lips there, on mine. Seunghyun has his other hand gripping me tightly on my shoulder as the other one comes to stroke my hair. My hands fly up to his hair and I lock him there on my lips, so that he can never run away from me.
He always surrenders in the end. But I think it’s not that smart of him to do so.
He breaks away just so slightly that our mouths are still close to one another. “I should be the one to say sorry. I left you, even though I said I would take you home.”
“Shut up. I deserved that”, I whisper and kiss him again, slowly, my tongue lingering on his lips and then sliding inside.
Suddenly Seunghyun lounges forward from the couch and I’m pressed to the ground, under his weight, and the kiss becomes more frantic. His hands start to slide my shirt up and I gasp. “Bed”, I manage to choke out stopping his hands as I rest myself on my forearms.
He pulls me up and leads me through the dark corridor to his room. I realize I haven’t seen his face properly yet. I wonder how he can coordinate so well in the dark in the state he’s in when I’m already pushed to the soft sheets of Seunghyun’s bed.
He comes on top of me again and starts kissing my neck. I only manage to desperately cling to his sides, struggling with freeing his shirt from his pants when he’s pressing down on me and I’m reminded of my previous problem.
His voice is so deep, and it’s right next to my ear, right where I want it to. I don’t want anyone else to ever hear him say those words, because their mine, he’s mine. This gorgeous, caring, stupid man, that somehow loves such a wrecked person like me.
I let him do whatever, I can only choke out his name and moan as I feel him enter me, fill every fiber of me, crawling under my skin, and even when it’s dark I can trace his features with my hand and know how he looks like. I want to forever trace my fingers on his face, his eyes, nose, cheek, jawline; feel his breath as he pushes me down to the sheets.
“I love you.”
“Baby“, he says and kisses me and I feel it all over, the feeling his voice does to me and I can only cry out.
Pet names, he only uses pet names when we’re close like this, when nobody is there to hear it, when nobody is there to witness it. It’s a secret between us two, something only my ears can hear, that word, baby. Makes it so intimate it’s almost unbearable. His love is only love behind closed doors and silent words I can only replay through the day, when he does nothing to make me feel any more special from anyone else.
But I love it when he does show he loves me. I only wish I was a better person to deserve it.
But even so, I still wish. In the heat of his body, the scent of him, the pressure by his hands on my skin.
I wish he would call me baby more.
The next morning I open my eyes to cringe them in the light of the room. The start of a very big headache is making its way, I can feel it. It’s very quiet, expect for the slight breathing next to me. I glance at Seunghyun, now seeing him completely, and taking in every little thing about his face. The hardness of the night is gone and all that is left is a man with ruffed blonde bedhair that looks funny but soft and puffy cheeks that rest on his white pillow. And you can hear the soft noises he makes when he sleeps.
I trace my finger again on his face. “I love you“ I say again. He mumbles something and I can see him waking up. I love seeing the sight of him slowly opening his eyes, those deep beautiful eyes that are finally shown from behind the heavy eyelids, with dark eye bags under them. He sights as he sees me staring at him.
“Does your head hurt?” he asks with a groggy voice. I nod a bit, because yes, after the amount I drank last night it should be pretty obvious I would have a headache in the morning. I nuzzle into him while he pays no attention.
I love you.
I look up to him but the eyes are closed and Seunghyun is drifting back to sleep.
I wish… Even if with an awful headache I wish we could have it like this always.
I wish a lot of things though.
A/N Would anyone be interested to be my BETA? Might take a while before I finish up with something new, but I would appreciate if someone would check on my grammar in the future. If interested, message me.